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Helping neurodivergent young people make and keep friends in real life

Writer's picture: Kristin SchuchmanKristin Schuchman

Updated: Jan 15

Recently, I had a chance to interview Mara McLoughlin, owner of IRL Social Skills. IRL Social Skills is a team of speech-language pathologists, occupational therapists, and mental health professionals who provide a much-needed intervention: teaching autistic and other socially struggling teens and adults the life-changing skills to initiate, cultivate and sustain relationships. 


Mara McLoughlin of IRL Social Skills helps neurodivergent and on-the-autism-spectrum young people and teenagers build relationships.
"Probably the first inkling of wanting to do this kind of work came from reading Hans Christian Anderson's fairy tale The Little Mermaid. I thought, What would it be like to not be able to speak, but still be able to think, have opinions, make plans, and dream?" - Mara McLoughlin of IRL Social Skills.

I am excited to share this interview not just because I’ve known and admired Mara for over 20 years when we both edited our own magazines. She is a shining example of someone who has taken her passion for working with young people as a speech pathologist and saw an unmet need for social skills coaching for neurodivergent youth in the schools and set out to offer that service in a compassionate yet massively impactful way. Though IRL Social Skills has been operating for just a few years, it has been distinguished by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce as one of the Top 100 Small Businesses of 2024 and one of the Top 70 Small Businesses of 2023.

 

Since their launch, IRL Social Skills has expanded to offer class-based coaching to young adults and teenagers in which parents participate in 16-week sessions to also offering classes for adults over 25 years of age. These classes help young people build stronger relationships, practice social skills with same-age peers and coaches, navigate tenuous social challenges like bullying and rejection, and develop skills in emotional self-regulation and awareness.

 

1. What made you want to become a speech pathologist? Tell me a bit about the work they do. 

 

Probably the first inkling of wanting to do this kind of work came from reading Hans Christian Anderson's fairy tale The Little Mermaid. I thought, What would it be like to not be able to speak, but still be able to think, have opinions, make plans, and dream? Fast forward 30 years to a conversation with my classical voice teacher, Linda Brice. I was working in restaurants but didn't want to make that my "career." She suggested I study speech pathology. I looked into the program and was inspired and impressed by the speech-language pathologist's scope of practice and flexibility as a profession — working with everyone from premature babies to help them learn how to nurse, to those at the end of their lives or suffering from neurodegenerative diseases, like ALS or dementia. And as SLPs are in demand worldwide, I knew this career would be both creative and secure. 

 

2. What inspired you to start IRL Social Skills? What problem were you hoping to solve?

 

In graduate school, I learned about autism and became very curious about this neurotype and the autistic/ADHD children in the clinic. I started working in the schools, specializing in helping nonspeaking autistic students gain access to a functional way of expressing themselves. While I was great at that role, I noticed that the neurodivergent students who could speak, and were perhaps even doing well academically, were struggling socially.

 

That was going to be their biggest barrier to having a rich life — having friends, exploring romantic relationships, and gaining/retaining/advancing in employment opportunities. The statistics are staggering: autistic people die by suicide at 9x the rate of non-autistic peers, and experience an 85% unemployment rate. I knew that intensive, direct, explicit instruction using a proven social skills program that included parent coaching would be a game changer — and even a life-saver — for these teens and young adults. 

 

3. How does your training and experience as a speech pathologist relate to the work you do with teens and young adults on the autism spectrum?

 

Part of the SLP's scope of practice includes supporting social interaction and social communication. We are trained in typical language development, so we can recognize atypical development and help those lagging skills — not only in the individual, but also in their conversation partners at home, at school, at work, and with their friends.  Autistic people can struggle with these aspects of being human, due to their neurotype. There's a lot of propaganda about autism out there; it's very misunderstood, although that is slowly changing. 

 

4. What are the main challenges that people on the autism spectrum experience with socializing?

 

Some with a more autistic brain style can be more shy and withdrawn, anxious and depressed. Some with a mixed autistic/ADHD neurotype can be more outgoing but neglect attending to the social cues of their communication partners. There's a trauma component, too — when one has been peer rejected, socially isolated, shunned, excluded, ostracized — because we, as humans, are profoundly social. We do not survive without other people. And without that practice in having a friend, or being a friend — which requires social skills — these skills may be lagging. Most intervention is aimed at young children. But guess what? Young children become teens and then adults…and as we get older, the social demands of life increase. And our connections are more based in conversation. 

 

5. Tell me about the techniques you use with young people on the spectrum and why you think your approach works. 

 

We teach UCLA's Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills, or PEERS. PEERS is recognized as the only evidence based, parent mediated social skills intervention available. PEERS is taught in 150 countries and in 12 different languages. The reasons it's so effective are multiple: a.) The dosage. It's an intensive, 16-week program in which a new skill is taught every week, but with lots of practice of previously learned skills to make those skills stronger. b.) PEERS is a proven curriculum with direct, explicit instruction in reciprocal conversation skills, having successful get-togethers, as well as handling disagreements and bullying. c.) The parent/caregiver training. The research indicates that parent-mediated interventions are what works. And parents want to learn how to help their teen or young adult learn to better navigate this strange, sensational social world.

 

These so-called "soft skills" are actually hard skills! Additionally, we teach neuroscience-backed nervous system education for co-and self-regulation in relation to our trauma/stress responses. This is not part of PEERS —  we added that component in — and that has been so helpful for our clients to cultivate more awareness of their brains and bodies, how they work together, and how fundamental the awareness of one's own body is to one's relationship with others, as well as with oneself. 

 

IRL Social Skills also created our own 12-week program for older adults with lower support needs who are struggling socially. They might have jobs, even families, but they are lonely. They might be part of the lost generation of neurodivergents, or they might have social skills that have atrophied, like happened to so many of us during the pandemic. That program includes more targeted skills training in the world of work: team collaboration and communication, conflict resolution, and networking, among others.

 

6. What are some common myths about people on the spectrum and their desire for social connection?

 

One is that autistic people don't want friends. Not true. Who doesn't want friends? Another is that autistic people lack empathy. That's a description of a sociopath/psychopath. In fact, while autistic people are not a monolith, we tend to be very empathetic and highly sensitive. 

 

7. What do you love most about your work?

 

Getting to see people grow and change over time. We watch people of all ages gain confidence as they improve and refine their skills. Their anxiety decreases, and they get more secure in their neurodivergent identity. They get to know how it feels in their own bodies to make connections, to be accepted, and to have fun. 

 

8. What makes you great at it? Why is this work so important to you?

 

I think what makes me good at this work is my own lived experience as neurodivergent, and struggling socially as a child. I used to want to be a different person entirely. I was heavily "masked" — putting on my best "normal" to fit in. But fitting in is not belonging. The U.S. Surgeon General declared that we are in a loneliness epidemic. At this moment in time, it's especially important to know how to build community. Bottom line is, we need each other.  

 

9. I know you won an award recently. Tell me more about that.

 

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce identified us as one of 70 out of 15,000 applicants across the country for America's Top Small Business in 2023. This was a huge honor, as at that time we had only been providing services for less than three years. Being a bootstrapped, little start-up being named in the same company as 30-to-40-year-old businesses was awesome. We identified a specific niche and we aim to fill it. And we are!

 

10. How can people find out more about your services?

 

You can find us on social media — Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn — @IRL Social Skills. I'm fairly active on LinkedIn. We also have a YouTube channel. People can google us and read our outstanding reviews. And of course, you can go to our website at www.irlsocialskills.com.


We also have new soft skills classes for young adults that kick off in February. These 16-week parent-mediated social skills programs for teens and young adults begin:

Tuesdays for age 14-15

Wednesdays for age 16-20

and Thursdays for age 11-13

6:30pm to 8:15pm Pacific time

You can find out more about these classes here.


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Kristin Schuchman, MSW is a career counselor, business coach, and author based in Portland, Oregon who works with creative and mission-driven professionals. She writes resumes and coaches individuals seeking support for career indecision, next steps, work re-entry, advancement, starting a business, and work-life-balance. She offers a free 30-minute Zoom or phone session and presently works with clients in-person in Portland and remotely. You can find her books The DIY Website Workbook and Jump Start: How to redirect a career that has stalled, lost direction or reached a crossroads on Amazon.

 

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